Archetype Remix: Meet the Chaotic Wellness Club (a.k.a. Our Evrgreen Archetypes)

By Jenny Smith Mattfeldt  | Published July 10, 2025

You know the girls on Instagram with perfectly timed matcha, Pilates routines, and white workout sets? Love that for them. But this isn’t that, it's not Pinterest perfect (even though we do love a Pinterest board). Welcome to our Chaotic Wellness Club; a space for the girl who’s doing her best take on wellness, sometimes spiraling, sometimes killing it, and still somehow manages to be that girl… just in her own way. Consider this your official membership card.

You don’t have to be perfect. You don’t have to be the Pinterest version of wellness. You’re already in.

These are our Evrgreen Archetypes. And you’ve definitely been one (or all) of them at some point.

The Ambitious One (aka “Hot Girl with a Google Calendar”)

You wake up thinking about your dream life at 6am—then spend the rest of the day chasing it. Your calendar is color-coded, your mindset check-ins are recurring, and you're constantly sending your friends podcast episodes (even if they didn't ask for them). You meditate, but mostly to visualize your name on a Forbes list. Wellness isn’t the goal, it’s just part of the plan. You’re taking immunity shots like espresso because you literally don’t have time to get sick. Your grind is unmatched and so is your future vision Pinterest board.

The Healing One (aka “Tender But Transforming”)

You’re feeling all the feelings right now—and you're not afraid to get into it. Whether it’s a breakup, a friendship shift, or a full identity unraveling, you’re deep in transformation (even when it feels like a total breakdown). Mel Robbins is on repeat and your friends keep tell you 'these are just growing pains'. You’re not thriving yet, but you’re not stuck either. You’re molting. You’re in progress. You’re entering a whole new chapter. And honestly we love that for you.

The Unhinged One (aka “Wellness, But Make It Feral”)

You’ll drink tequila on a Tuesday, text your ex, and still show up to your 7am workout class like nothing happened. Your Saturday nights are unhinged; your Sunday mornings are sacred. You have strong opinions about electrolyte powders and equally strong opinions about that one man who ghosted you in March. We'll find you doing a 3-day juice cleanse while also planning a weekend bender. You are holding it together—just not in a traditional sense.

The Resting One (aka “Master of Gracefully Cancelling Plans”)

You’ve mastered the art of doing nothing and somehow making it look like self-care. Canceling plans? Absolutely. Your Sunday agenda? Nap, read, repeat. Your version of wellness is slow, steady, and guilt-free and there’s a strong chance you’re a Taurus or Cancer. You might be rocking a face mask, wrapped in a cozy blanket, with your “do not disturb” vibe on full blast. Peer pressure is afraid of you, you’re living on your own terms without anyone else's input.

The One That's Here for the Vibes (aka “Can’t Be Bothered”)

You’re not here to optimize, you’re here to vibe. You disappear without warning, then reappear at the end of the night with a story, a sunburn, and no idea what day it is. You skip the spreadsheets, ignore the group chat, and somehow still float through life with unmatched energy. You’re the opposite of an overthinker. You run on intuition, impulse, and immaculate timing. You're just well. No one knows what you're doing, and neither do you—but it’s working for you.

The Romantic One (aka “Main Character of Every Moment”)

You're the one who will look deep into your friends eyes (soul) out of nowhere and say, “I’m really grateful for you.” Your skincare routine is a love language. You romanticize every aspect of life. Rainy coffee shops, moody film photos, journaling in cursive. You choose softness and openness on purpose but don’t mistake it for being naive. You still hate your bff's ex more than she does, you're multifaceted.

The Herbal One (aka “Gut Health First, Always”)

You’re grounded, a little witchy, and somehow always smell like eucalyptus and oat milk. Your kitchen doubles as an apothecary. You’re the one sipping dandelion root tea, dry brushing before sunrise, and reminding everyone that their bodies know what to do—if they’d just slow down and listen. You don’t rush. You don’t panic. You’ll anoint people in essential oils without asking, and honestly it usually works (even if they’re too embarrassed to admit in public why they smell like cedarwood and clove).

The Spiraling One (aka “Currently in Her Chaos Era”)

One day you’re up at 5am journaling about your dream life, and the next you’re crying over dog shelter photos on Instagram. Your skincare routine is flawless—until it disappears entirely. You downloaded five wellness apps last week and haven’t opened a single one. Your fridge is stocked with sea moss and five different kinds of leftover takeout. You’re either rewriting your whole personality… or just desperately need a nap. Either way, you’re real, you’re raw, and you’re riding the wave even if it’s sideways.

The Overthinker (aka “Analysis Paralysis Pro”)

You’ve got ten tabs open in your brain and zero answers. You research every supplement, journal every feeling, and mentally rehearse every conversation—sometimes so hard you forget to just be. You want to do wellness “right,” but your brain keeps running the “what if” loop on repeat. Your minds going a mile a minute, but you're also the most amazing person to travel with because you've already thought of every possible scenario. Consider this your official doctor’s note to book a massage, grab a cocktail, and let your mind relax for a minute.

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You contain multitudes. Sometimes you’re sipping tea at sunrise, other times you’re eating gold fish in bed Googling “best probiotics to get your life together.” Either way, welcome to the club girl. I desperately wish we could all go get brunch together but for now we'll have to settle for the Newsletter. Opt in below to keep up with all things Evrgreen.