What Your Friend Who Just Had a Baby Actually Wants (But is Too Polite to Say)

The postpartum support guide every friend should read.

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By Jenny Smith Mattfeldt | Published June 09, 2025

The idea for this piece started with a reoccurring feeling: never knowing what to get my friends and cousins for their baby showers. You want to be thoughtful, maybe even personal—but also helpful. What do they actually need? What about after the baby arrives? I don’t have kids, and I had no clue how to be supportive.

So, I went to the experts—those same cousins and friends I used to wonder about—and asked them directly: What does the friend who just had a baby actually want, but is too polite to ask for?

I expected a few baby registry must-haves but what I got instead were some of the most honest, profound, and vulnerable answers.

She wants help with the house. She wants to hear from you post birth. She does not want another off-theme keepsake blanket. She wants you to stop kissing her baby and she wants to be seen as a whole person again not just someone’s mom. And for the love of God, she wants to talk about how brutal postpartum hormones are without feeling like she’s being ungrateful. She wants to talk about the rage—the fucking postpartum rage that everyone is too polite to mention.

I heard stories about friends who didn’t make it through postpartum because it’s that serious. About offhanded comments they never forgot. About the one overheard compliment they still think about. And after all of it I heard yes, it is all worth it for that perfect baby. But that doesn't mean you're not allowed to complain and vent about all of it.

They made their registry for a reason.

I'm calling myself out here as much as anyone else. They made the registry for a reason: they need those things. So please, start there. It’s not flashy, but it’s what they actually want. The keepsake blankets might seem thoughtful, but most of the time they end up in a box at the back of the closet.

The best gift giving advice I got came from a friend who shared her trifecta:

• One thing from the registry (what they asked for)

• One thing I found useful as a mom that I want to pass on (like diaper rash spray so you don’t have to deal with messy cream)

• One sentimental item I love giving (usually a stuffed animal, because that’s my thing)

  
  

Gift cards, money, registry items—they’re not always the most fun to shop for, but they’ll make life a lot easier for your friend. Skip nursery décor unless you know the theme (and have their blessing). A lot of thought goes into that space, and giving something that doesn’t fit becomes more of a burden than a gift.

So often, people give what they want to give instead of thinking about what the mom actually needs. Don’t be that person.

Yes, the baby is so cute but what about the person that just pushed it out of their body.

Here’s the heart of it: yes, there’s a brand-new baby and that’s pure magic. But sometimes we’re so excited about the baby, we forget about our friend. The baby doesn’t know you brought a gift, she does.

Babies get showered with gifts—so much so that it often becomes another task for the parents to clean up. She doesn’t need another onesie. She needs someone to check in on her.

Here are the best ways to show her you love her without creating more work:

• "I would have loved someone, family or close friends, to help me clean my house"

• "I did get this a handful of times, but it was awesome when friends would swing by and bring me coffee."

• Ask yourself: what little things could you do to lighten her load? Can you walk her dog? Run an errand? Clean horse pens? (Seriously.)

• Invite her to things—even if she can’t come. Let her know she’s still part of your life.

• "I wish I would’ve just asked someone to come over when it was a good time for the baby to just be held and sleep so I could go take an actual shower—just getting an hour to feel like a human being"

• "Take pictures of us being a mom, we have so many responsibilities and things on our plates that it is hard to truly be present so being able to look back on a candid moment from someone else’s perspective gives a glimpse to relive and appreciate those moments"

• "Showers are literally the most luxurious time in our day/week, we cherish them and so a small gift to enhance that experience goes a long way and is sooo appreciated (body scrub, epsom salts, hair mask, etc.)"

Here’s a golden line to remember:

“I just wanted to drop this off, but I have to be going.”

If your friend insists you come in and see the baby—great. Go enjoy. But if they say thank you and goodbye, that’s perfect too. You did your part. Let them be.

The hormone conversation.

You can’t talk about postpartum without talking about hormones. We’ve come a long way in how we talk about mental health, so why are we still brushing off postpartum struggles as just “the baby blues”? Nearly every woman I spoke to shared the same core message: no two experiences are alike. Hormonal changes hit everyone differently. For some, it feels like being completely out of control. For others, it’s a deep loneliness, exhaustion, anger, sadness, or maybe they feel fine but simply the need to talk to someone who will listen.

The underlying truth is this: no matter how you experience postpartum hormones you are not a bad mom. You are not a bad person. You are recovering from a massive, traumatic physical event while also dealing with wildly fluctuating hormones. Your brain chemistry is shifting. Your body is healing. And sometimes, the best thing you can do is give yourself permission to not be okay for a little while.

Every single person I spoke with brought up the feeling of isolation. Yes, there are parts of this experience you have to go through on your own but that doesn’t mean you should have to navigate the whole journey alone. Mental health struggles will always grow bigger and stronger in the dark. Shining light on what you’re feeling—even just telling one person—can make it all feel more manageable. And if you’re the friend of a new mom just keep reminding yourself, you don't have to fix anything you can help by simply showing up and showing her she's not alone.

Some things to keep to yourself.

Let’s be real: new moms are already dealing with enough. The last thing they need is your unsolicited commentary or questions that are way too personal. Here are a few things to stop saying—immediately:

• Stop putting pressure on them about breastfeeding. It’s stressful, it’s hard, and sometimes your body just doesn’t cooperate. The only thing that matters is that the baby is fed. End of conversation.

• Don’t expect them to show up to the potluck with a side dish and a 12-pack. They just had a human come out of them. They’re tired. Invite them, absolutely—but don’t expect them to bring anything but themselves.

• Stop telling them they look tired. They know. In fact, they probably put in serious effort to not look tired. Keep that thought to yourself—or better yet, go pick up a coffee.

• Stop asking if they’re going to have another baby or if they’re “done.” One friend said it best:“Whether it’s infertility, financial reasons, or you and your partner aren’t on the same page—it can be a touchy subject. And also, it’s no one else’s business.”

• And for the love of God stop asking if you can kiss the baby, I know they are precious but they are also so susceptible to RSV and cold sores so just keep it to yourself.

  
  

Now, here’s what to say instead.

There’s another side to this. The things you do say can stick with her in the best possible way. One friend told me about overhearing her grandparents talking about what an amazing mother she was. It meant the world to her—because it was genuine, authentic, and she wasn’t supposed to hear it.

Tell her you love her.

Tell her you’re proud of her.

Compliment her behind her back.

Tell her to be honest with you—and to kick you out if she’s had enough company.

It turns out the way we start being better friends to new moms isn’t complicated. It’s about honesty. It’s about showing up, staying open, being available, and making sure she knows we haven’t forgotten about her. (And yes, sticking to the registry.)

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